I had a discussion with my therapist, trying to understand why some trans people are able to see their path clearly during childhood and transition early, while I was unable to do so and only transitioned in my fifties. What’s special about those kids, and what was different about me?
She explained that children who tell their parents have one crucial thing: trust that their parents will take their thoughts and concerns seriously. And as a result, they develop trust in their own abilities and judgment – the key element to coming out and transitioning.
And that is indeed something I never had. For as long as I can remember, my parents, especially my dad, imposed their vision and their judgment on me. I never learned to trust myself; instead, I am constantly second‑guessing my thoughts and actions. I start looking for flaws in my conclusions before I even consider the possibility that I might be right.
Here are a few memories:
- I wanted a remote‑controlled car. I got an electric train set. It never really felt like it was mine; in reality it was my dad’s toy.
- I wanted different clothing and different hair. I wasn’t allowed to. My dad felt that everything I wanted was too feminine.
- I wanted to spend weekends with my friends. Instead, we spent most summer weekends on the countryside, so my dad could do what he wanted: go sailing.
- I wanted my room to be smoke‑free. My dad never respected that. His train set lived in my room, and he smoked there as he pleased.
- I wanted to become a software engineer. My dad convinced me that that was useless effort and I should study electrical engineering instead. After all he is one, and his father was one, too.
- I told my parents I was trans and planning to transition. My dad tried to talk me out of it, because he felt embarrassed that his son was malfunctioning.
And the list goes on and on and on. To this day, as I approach my sixties, my dad still tries at every turn to impose his views on me. It is incredibly hard to fight this. He’s my dad. He’s old. And it is nearly impossible to distinguish the things he can’t do because of age from the things he won’t do because he is a narcissist.
But thanks to a lot of therapy, I have gotten better at recognizing the pattern. I have learned to cut conversations short whenever they start hurting me. As a result, we spend much less time together. I know that one day, when he is gone, this might come back to haunt me. But I am willing to take that risk and focus on the here and now, and on my mental health.
So, if you are a parent and wondering how to strike the balance with your child: trust them. Let them be. Kids know surprisingly well who they are, and the one thing they don’t need is a parent telling them otherwise.
With heartfelt hugs
Liz