Chapter 5: It’s easier to die smiling

Microaggressions: tiny cuts that never draw enough blood to count.

Welcome on the stage of subtle violence. There is no physical harm here. The “sir?” at the checkout. The “you meant male, right” at the doctor’s office. That awkward smile at the club, when your appearance doesn’t match your ID. A glance. A chuckle. A frown. Little things, nothing serious. Don’t be so sensitive.

You learn early what the word microaggression means. What looks like a footnote to cis people, is the daily smog you breathe. Invisible, but suffocating. Sticky, but not provable. Too trivial for a complaint. Too routine not to wear you down. You don’t want to always push back. But when you stay silent, it eats you alive. And when you speak up, you are “hyper sensitive.”

The Rules are simple: Don’t say anything, explain yourself anyway. Be nice. Stay calm. And most importantly: smile. Because people who smile are not dangerous. Only if you smile are you “a pleasant trans person.” One good enough to be in the picture – as long as she doesn’t become inconvenient. The one invited to “raise awareness,” unpaid, of course. The one needed for diversity posts but forgotten alone in the corner at the company party. It’s easier to die smiling, because it lulls everyone into calm. Because it works. Because it acts as a shield, even though it makes you even weaker. Even more vulnerable. You are insulted, but in a polite way. Complimented into dehumanization.

“Wow, you look almost real!”
“So pretty, I really couldn’t tell!”
“I would have never thought that you were once a man.”
“Oh, you can’t say that anymore?”
Just shut up, Karen.

Pro Tip: If you can’t take it anymore, wear your sunglasses. Not to protect you from the sun, though. But because otherwise, your eyes might start screaming.

Keep in mind: Microaggressions are like desert sand. Unremarkable at first but creeping into every corner. Into your thoughts. Into your posture. Into your sleep. And when you wonder why you wake up with that sour taste in your mouth, think of all the smiles you’ve choked down.